“Working with non-monogamous couples” took place in an indescribable family service center in a neighborhood anywhere in Manhattan. After attending a conference in the same series (“Sexual therapy in the city”) in the same place about a year ago, I realized that I would be surrounded by therapists who were there to get accreditation and learn from an expert in your field the best ways of the problems that are likely to appear in your work. I also knew a little about unmarried marriage: I knew it was for people who did not want to be single and did not want to lie about it.
When you registered with Michael Moran, one of the organizers, he described a recent increase in his practice and, in general, heterosexual couples who are looking for solutions for their unbalanced situation. “It’s amazing that people practice life and marry, without discussing the issue of sexual exclusivity,” he said. “I showed it through conversations and I realized that my husband and I had committed to life and that we had married, without even discussing the issue of sexual exclusivity.” Monogamy and marriage, for heterosexual people in large part of the United States, they go together like a horse and a car, or they used to do it, or maybe not. Mydxadryl
Head of Distinguished Divisions Kaupp, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is a consensual definition of non-nuptial marriage for us. He, he said, is a general term for relationships in which all stakeholders agree that having sex or sexual relations with other people is unacceptable. This makes them contrary to what experts call non-qualified or non-consensual marriages, where someone does it without telling or discussing it in advance.
Kaupp ordered us to split into groups of three or four, so I turned to join two women in the back row. Place the Kaupp slide up on the top projector. There were four points, each ending in a question mark.
- What would it be like to see your partner / spouse have sex with another person? . . And watch them really enjoy it?
- What feelings will arise?
- What are the meanings that will make you enjoy sex?
- What if they fall in love?
I returned to my group. We look at each other in silence. I thought for a moment of the emotion you felt when the possibility of having sex with a new person opened before me as a kind of serengeti, wide and full of delicious possibilities and possible dangers. Then I commented how, in the kind of day I got to the deadline, the dishwasher breaks, I get a phone call that one of my kids has a problem at school and it takes me to my knees. I figured I would add to the mix one night watching my husband fuck another person. Climadex
I told other women to “go first”.
A member of my group decided that if we saw our partner fuck and really enjoy another person, we could be jealous, committed, hurt, angry, curious, excited, confused and more. We can get meanings from them, including: I’m not good enough; he / she is bored with me; Something is wrong with me or with our relationship. Being with someone new is exciting and there is no reflection on me. If our partner falls in love with this other person, we can feel confused, sad, threatened and devastated. I added that I might also feel dead.
When Kaupp asked each of our groups what we discussed, I finished first. Kaupp listened intently, grasping what he shared about the killer’s feeling and executing it. The opposite of jealousy that looks like a stab in your heart and a stone in your insides is “clinging”: a feeling of excitement to see your partner enjoy while having sex with another person. In the early stages with this new person, you may experience an “NRE” or a new energy relationship: the surge of emotions, hormones, and neural chemical changes that occur when you relate to a person sexually and emotionally, all filled with hope and passion.
Others in the room had visions, observations and questions. “The sex of the person: I’m interested in how it affects things,” said one man.
“People can represent the problems of their origin in a trinity like this,” ventured another processor.
“Has justice appeared?” A man with a European accent wanted to know.
It seems that nobody wants to talk about how it will make them feel. The room was silent. Wait for Cope.
“It could be incredible, or it could be a complete train disaster,” a dark-haired therapist who has finally given up. Vyantix RX
We all laughed uncomfortably, and congratulated Cope.
He has not been with us yet. Another exercise: “Create some rules or guidelines that you could establish if you and your partner decide to see each other.”
We returned to our groups. “I do not see anyone we already know.” “I do not see other people during the weekend,” I suggested suddenly about my friendships and the protection of holiness on Saturday and Sunday with my non-double husband. Why did not I think about that? I had to admire his vision.
The groups then shared their bases.
“Use oral hygiene and good genitals.”
“There are no documents, there are no photos or anything on social networks.”
“There are no scratches or bite marks.”
“Only penetration sex … do not look into each other’s eyes or kiss.
“You can have sex but not orgasm.”
“If we have children, do not leave our society about our lifestyle.”
“You can only see this person three times.”
“You can only see this person once, then look for another person.”
“You can not talk about me or our relationship with this person.”
“You have to go home and tell me later.”
“You have sex with me yet.”
“You can not have sex with me yet.”
“Do not tell me more.”
It seems that it is. Kaupp asked if there were other rules that made sense to us. There was a pause.
“Take home a cup, like a pair of underwear,” a woman who seemed to be in her 60s.
“Your new person can not meet the dog,” said the man sitting next to him.
Cowb soon began to create a gap in our sense of what exactly could help us in the sense of responsibility for the imaginary situation we faced: us or our life partners that we see others, with the consent of all parties and knowledge. Pryazine
“I rarely see the rules that create security in these cases, how we can predict all the possibilities, it’s an attempt at control, but it can make people feel out of control.” He told us that in his work with couples who practice the CNM, he kept the focus on attachment and allowed them to establish rules without getting involved in it. Through their experience, the rules may change or fade over time if the security of the relationships is strong enough. “My job is to help people who have decided not to marry unilaterally to continue turning to each other if they feel insecure or overwhelmed by fear. Surge RX
Then, Kaupp told us that there are three basic types of non-monogamy, and although they can overlap, their practitioners belong to completely different tribes. There are people in “open relationships”, arrangements in which the couple agrees to see other people but may not want to talk about them or even know them.
Meanwhile, the evaders are committed to having sex with other people, individually and as a couple. They talk to each other about what they do, do things with each other, sometimes separately, and can go to conferences, cruises or sex clubs where they can meet other people who are committed to what they call “lifestyle”.
Then there are polyamorous people, or poly. He explained that Polyamori is the practice of having several romantic, sexual and / or intimate partners with the full consent of all couples. Those who practice polyamory believe that they can love more than one person and have more than one relationship at a time. Sometimes they have verbal or written contracts, prepared by lawyers and therapists who specialize in such matters, to keep things clear and fair. The polyamory process requires a conversation procedure, basic rules, a lot of disclosure and “verification”.
To refer to what is clear, non-monogamy is an obstacle for us because monogamy does not work with everyone. Indeed, in 2008, four-fifths of Americans surveyed in the Social Survey (GSS), a comprehensive social interview tool that traces attitudes, fears and social changes, said that sex outside of marriage is “always wrong”. And 91% of the more than 1,500 adults who responded to a Gallup poll in 2013 described married men and women as a “moral error.”
But 12% of married women and 23% of married men reported having sex outside of marriage in a 1997 study in the Journal of Sex Research. The actual proportion may be higher, experts say, because we do not report cheating.
However, the difficulty of monogamous marriage and even the fact of fighting it can create enormous pressure. “People are asking, what can I do?” Said New Monogamy author Tammy Nelson. “It’s something my patients, especially my patients, are suffering a lot.” The stakes are high: studies tell us that infidelity is often the cause of divorce Couples
We may be surprised when we know how many of our assumptions about who they are and how and how disbelief is wrong. In fact, it turned out that when it comes to sexuality, women have been sold for a bill of goods. In gender issues, women do not have sex, sex or sex. We are not the kind of sex that longs for association or makes us surrender more easily to association and harmony. We also do not agree with men when it comes to sincerity, after all.